In a stunning announcement from the “Winter White House” at Mar-a-Lago, Donald Trump has scrapped the entire Cabinet in one fell swoop. The political spring cleaning began with the Department of Veterans Affairs, where Trump had already fired Secretary David Shulkin, nominating White House doctor Ronny Jackson in his place.
But during the Easter brunch, Trump had a better idea: “On second thoughts, I’m not sure Ronny is qualified. What this position requires is extraordinary organizational skills, and it suddenly hit me this morning. The Easter Bunny! He’s been producing great results for centuries, not only hiding eggs and candy for all the world’s Christian children, but hard-boiling and dyeing them as well!”
Trump’s choice was written in the stars, with asteroid Rabbit at 29 Aquarius conjunct Trump’s natal Ophelia, indicating mental derangement, and exactly on his Descendant, as he forges a new relationship with his Cabinet generally. After officiating at Monday’s White House Easter Egg Roll, the Easter Bunny (whose real name is Fluffy O’Hare) will immediately take the reins at the VA. But Trump isn’t done there.
“It got me thinking; why not use more mythic figures? They have proven track records, and are at least as reality-based as I am.” Trump developed his thoughts with New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman, a frequent confidante, over a Reese’s’ peanut butter egg latte. “I’m none too pleased with Ben [Carson] at Housing Under Development [sic – the department’s actual name is “Housing and Urban development”], and I’m thinking maybe the Big Bad Wolf for that. He’s got tons of experience with various building materials.” Asteroid Lupine at 25 Aries trines Trump’s natal Moon, ruling domestic environments, and is conjoined by transit Uranus, indicating the out-of-the-box choice.
Warming to his theme, President Trump expounded upon other likely nominees. “The Tooth Fairy for HHS [Health and Human Services department] – and let’s make dental care for seniors a priority in 2018; I have this really troublesome molar (and I loved him in “San Andreas”).” Asteroids Dentin and Rock were conjunct the Sun for Trump’s revelatory disclosures.
“And I’m switching out [General] Mattis at Defense – I want a Wall, not just da Fence! Cupid has the best weapons training, he should do well there,” opined Trump, whose natal asteroid Eros, named for the Greek version of Cupid, squares Mars, ruling the military, with transit Eros conjoined Saturn, ruling Department heads.
Trump continued, “but I’m thinking of putting Humpty Dumpty at Homeland Security for the border issues – he has actual wall experience!” Asteroid Omelet squares Mars in Trump’s birth chart, but you have to crack a few eggs to make a Cabinet.
Among other mooted changes is the Road Runner for Transportation (“He’s just so fast, you know – beep, beep! We’ve got to get high speed rail!”); asteroid Looneytunes conjoins Trump’s Midheaven and is semisquare natal Mercury, ruling cars and transportation. (Oddly, Looneytunes also opposes asteroid Coyote, which conjoins asteroid Acme in Trump’s nativity.)
Scrooge McDuck will helm Treasury (“That quack can really pinch a penny!”); Asteroid Dickens conjoins Trump’s natal Venus/Saturn combination, a sure sign of fiscal responsibility.
Paul Bunyan will lead at Interior (“Who knows more about hardwoods?”). Asteroid Blueox is sextile Trump’s natal Sun.
Trump is also mulling Santa Claus as joint Secretary of both Commerce and Labor (“Holiday spending is a major driver of the economy, and he’s gotten those elves to work for nothing!”) Natal Santa is squared Saturn and quintile natal Jupiter.
Asked if he had any plans to dismiss current Chief of Staff John Kelly, Trump replied, “Not just now. I had considered the Wicked Witch of the West Wing, but Kellyanne turned me down.”