She was born Betty Joan Perske, but she was Lauren Bacall. The grace, sophistication and style that name came to embody fitted her like a glove, but Lauren Bacall was never comfortable with her Hollywood moniker, and remained “Betty” to friends and family to the end of her days, though Bogie called her “Babe.” Born 16 September 1924, Lauren Bacall would have celebrated her centenary this week if she hadn’t died a decade ago.
Sometime during the night of September 4-5, 2024, I lost an old friend, who had been with me most of my life. I refer not to a being of flesh and blood, but one of leaf and bark: one half of a two-trunk birch clump in my front yard came crashing down, which had been on the property since the early ‘60s. Although the trees had been failing since I took over the property in 2019, with large upper branches dying off and rotting out, to fall onto the lawn, I had no idea how truly weak the tree was. No heavy ice storm or blowing hurricane winds heralded its end – my birch simply gave up.
It happens every year, and it’s always a letdown. August. If I could excise it from the calendar, I would. After the floral exuberance of July, August comes as a wet blanket, if anything as drought-inclined as August can be termed “wet” in any sense. Daylilies done, echinacea ended, bee balm bereaved. Rudbeckia straggles on for a few weeks, declining daily, but still providing some pops of brilliant yellow color, until by month’s end it’s just a mass of desiccated brown.
On August 3rd, 2024, aspiring Olympian Anthony Ammirati coined a whole new meaning for the term “cockblocked” after failing to qualify for a pole vault event when his penis collided with the bar on the way down, knocking it to the ground (the bar, not his penis). The embarrassing footage of the phallic fail immediately went viral, and though Olympic authorities later confirmed that Ammirati would have been disqualified regardless, as other, less intimate portions of his anatomy had touched the bar prior to its dickish dislodgment, there was no stopping the cock-a-hoop hilarity that ensued. The French athlete, with no apparent irony, later described the incident as “a big disappointment.” Cheer up, Anthony – a manly manhood has its compensations!
Italians in Florence were livid after disturbing footage went viral on the internet, of a female tourist simulating sexual acts with a statue of Bacchus, Roman god of wine and revelry, in the streets of Firenze, as the city is known locally. A fully dressed blonde had mounted the plinth that holds a copy of the original sculpture by Giambologna, kissing it lasciviously, then miming fellatio and penetration from the rear. Outraged locals have been outspoken in their condemnation of the incident, revealed in grainy still shots that were captured from the internet, but authorities have not been able to identify the tourist or her friend who took the pictures.
Despite the title, the Grim Reaper has seemingly been working overtime this July, with a spate of celebrity deaths mid-month that have gone largely unnoticed in the midst of the political maelstrom of a presidential election summer. It’s actually been open season on the rich and famous for months, with Jupiter, planet of fame and celebrity, linking arms with two asteroids that indicate mortality: Lachesis 120 and Libitina 2546. Lachesis is named for the mythic Greek Fate who determines the span of life, while Libitina’s namesake is the Roman goddess of funerals and burial.
